What's better, having high expectations or having low expectations?

I have always been a firm believer in the sayings, 'Hope for the best but prepare for the worst' and 'Don't expect anything and you don't get disappointed.'  However, going through this weight loss journey (and I hate when people call it a journey, but I'm at a loss for words), my stance has changed.  If my expectations are low, how can I push myself when I hit slumps?  I'm still in the honeymoon stage of all this and things are coming easily, but I DO expect to push myself when I hit a plateau and I will strive for my goal!  :)  For the first time since I was 4, I WILL be in the 'normal' weight category of those silly BMI charts.  Not the overweight ones.

Speaking of plateau, I hope I don't hit one next week.  I weigh myself every Sunday morning.  That is the 'official' weigh in for each week.  Last week I lost 6 pounds!  While that's exciting, that's also double of what I have been losing.  So Sunday, I hope to see a loss of at least a pound!  *crosses fingers* 

Going to take Emma to the park in a bit.  I'm going to get my walk for the day in there.  I hope the trails aren't muddy! uggg

Been meaning to write something

Welp, it has been quite some time since I have written anything. but I don't want this to become one of those old, lost, non updated blog sites we all see too often out there.  As of this morning, I have lost 70 pounds since August of last year and 38 pounds since the morning of my surgery.  I suppose that isn't too bad for a teensy bit over 2 months.  I STILL cant get it out of my head that 'I had weight loss SURGERY! I should be dropping 10 pounds a WEEK!!!'  Like Melissa said, people like that plateau and don't lose for weeks and I have been really steady.

I got my blood test results back this morning and (I haven't gone over it with Dr Primomo-but will next week) it looks way better than I thought it would.  I need to drink more.  Gotta drink more.  That has always been a problem area for me. 

I am not having too many problems with foods.  Veggies no problem, even the fibrous ones.  I can feel meat however, if I don't chew it to a mash.  So, I eat mostly chicken and fish if I eat meat at all.  After my vomiting episode back on like day 3ish I will not touch rice.

I have had to fight some demons.  They are still here.  The ones that come late at night after everyone is asleep.  They want me to get a bag of chips or something with pasta in it.  A couple of times I gave into those demons and promptly felt like I needed to upchuck after a couple of bites.  So late night eating is really becoming tied to bad things in my head and that's good! 

I have only admitted this to Derek, but I might as well here.  There was a day I embraced the demons and sat down in the living room and ate a huge bowl of sugar sweetened cereal and maybe some garlic bread or maybe a piece or two of pizza, or maybe even a big bowl of spaghetti left over from dinner.  Yeah, that wasn't good.  It was like I was a zombie doing it too.  I KNEW that it was wrong and felt really horrible about it after I had indulged in my drug of choice, but it was like I had no control.  It was like something inside of me screaming for it, and I had to shut it up.  That thing inside is still screaming, but I do have control over it and most of the time, and can think critically about what Im about to put in my mouth.  I just don't buy big bags of chips either.  That helps too!!  ;)

Im eating really clean and not giving in to the demons for the most part.  I have gone down 2-3 sizes in clothes and that's awesome.  Im getting into all the clothes I had gotten too fat for and now they are loose.  I kept all of those clothes, thank goodness.  As I get too small for things, I WILL be tossing the big ones or donating them.  I dont ever want an easy road to come back to this weight. 

Yesterday was not pretty

Yesterday was bad.  I am on the pureed foods, but apparently I cant handle rice.  I had just a teensy amount with broccoli, chicken, and watered down with vegetable broth.  I had about a half cup and I knew something wasn't right. this was about noon.  by 4 pm, I STILL felt full and nausea was setting in.  By 6 I was full on throwing up.  eeeew.

The stomach pains kept on and throwing up kept on until about 11 pm.  I wished to just be able to go to sleep.  Sleep came, and this morning I was ok. Derek called Dr. Davis, and he said something got stuck in the pouch.  eeeew.

Im back on liquid foods for a couple of days, and to tell the truth, I don't want to go back to pureed now.  No way.  I'll eat soup.  Thanks. 

Learning when to stop.

I'm still doing well.  I had my checkup and they put me on pureed foods, whish is pretty much anything I want to eat as long as it can be put through a blender.  I am actually liking this.  I didn't think I would.  The big problem I am having is when to stop eating.   Its almost like there is a delay in the feeling of being full and actually being full so I need to stop a little before I feel I need to absolutely do so. 

This makes me worry because my doctor said I should be eating 5 meals a day...  there is no way I'm doing that.  Im barely getting in 3 meals of I'd say about 3/4 of a cup at a time.  I am also in no way drinking enough.  I need to work on this too. 

Post op fun!

Well, everything went smoothly and I'm still kickin!

I have been home a couple of days and I have been really sore, but not sore like sharp pain but sore like I did 100000 situps.  My whole body is sore too,  I have no idea why. 

I'm learning (by mistake) that sugar is not my friend.  It causes dizziness and just an uneasy feeling.  Also I need to eat even stuff like grits slow.  That was unpleasant. 

I'm going to take it easy today and watch Game of Thrones.  Tomorrow I will go see my Dr. and start a little bit of exercising.  Maybe walk a couple of blocks to take my Mini-Me to the park.  I'm going to start 3 days of cardio and 3 days of strength when I get the all clear.  There's no way I can do strength right now...  WAY too sore.  Maybe my arms or something so I can feel like I accomplished the task  :) 

Anyway, I'm doing well and thats all for now!

Sh*t just got real

Tomorrow's the big day!!  Im on clear liquids right now, and the lack of calories is really getting to me today.  Im not sure if it's the lack of calories, or that I walked 4 miles yesterday.  Im wiped out and not motivated.  I want to veg out and read or watch TV.  There's a million things to do around my house, but hopefully I can rally some help in a bit.  I have this OCD that after vacations or hospital stays or whatever, I have to come home to a clean house.   Im weird like that.  My Christmas tree is still up for goodness sake!!  That never happens. :P

I got a call from the hospital and my surgery is at 1 pm.  That's awesome, because I don't have to be there at 5:30 am like when I had my kids. 

I might be able to post from the hospital, and I might not, so wish me luck!!

First Post. 2 days til surgery

I'm starting this to see later on how I felt at this point in my journey.  Also, maybe keep me motivated as time goes by.  It might help someone out there on the internets as well, and that would be wonderful too.  I'm not sure how 'out there' this blog will be, as it mainly will just be for my own use, but we shall see. 

I am having a Roux en-Y surgery in 2 days.  I have wanted this for some time, but put it off because of money, time, or just plain being scared.  I cant say that I'm not scared now, as a myriad of things could possibly go wrong, but I feel good with this decision.  It wont be an easy fix, I KNOW I have some demons to deal with and eating habits to finally break, but I am on the right track so far.

I have been on a liquid diet for the past two weeks, which included Christmas.  I'm very proud of myself for lasting.  I did cheat a teeny tiny bit 3 times.  I ate two slivers of sausage at my mom's house, I had half a can of tuna fish chopped up, and I had a few of my daughter's little Elsa chips.  Have to say, even with those hiccups I still never went over my calories or carb allowance.  So we are 100% compliant there.  Some people have been very supportive, and some not so much.  The person who has really helped me is my super great husband, Derek.  He is the best!!

I wont go into how much I weigh now, it will become apparent in time.  Let's just say I have a long road ahead.  35 pounds have been shed since August 4th (I count this day when I first reached out to my doctor for help), and that's a great start, I think!

I have been overweight since the age of 4.  There was a brief time in high school when I was of 'normal' weight but it was fleeting.  I pretty much had a ritual of eating one meal every other day and if I didn't lose, I didn't eat.  VERY unhealthy.  I am clinically morbidly obese, and have been so for more than half my life, and NEVER had one problem with diabetes, high blood pressure, hurting knees, or anything you would commonly think an obese person would have to deal with.  It's like I'm meant to be fat.  For years I have accepted that fate.  I also have always had to do a little bit extra to lose weight.  I know, calories in, calories out, but I always seemed to have to exercise just a little bit more or eat just a little bit less that other people.  Again, like I was meant to be fat!!  Maybe I never struck that carbohydrate balance or something.  It's beyond me.

On my dad's side of the family, everything pretty much revolved around food.  I identify most with that side, as most of the time spent was with them.  Looking back at my relatives, a definite addictive trait is in a lot of us.  So, couple this with a family that values rich yummy food, a mom that cooks really well (not that it was ever her fault-she was actually a motivator towards a healthier weight), and a dad that always likes to have sweets around when you were growing up, you have a recipe for a fat kid.  Boy was I fat too!  There are so many things I wanted to do when I was younger but I always held back because I was afraid of not fitting into a uniform, or people making MORE fun of me.  Many things I regret to this day.  Food became my comfort.  I was happiest at 11 pm watching TV with a sandwich or a bowl of ice cream.  I KNEW I shouldn't have been doing that, but there was some weird twisted comfort that I got from this behavior.  I was on a path of self destruction and it needed to stop.

I have been made fun of for my weight by strangers, friends, and even my family all my life.  People don't notice you when you're fat.  You have a feeling like you don't matter.  This is especially true for women.  The periodic sideways glances you get are hurtful and you can just feel them judging you from afar. 

I want to experience more stuff with my kids too. I want to be able to travel with them and be with them at functions and not have to worry about the other parents judging me.   Now, I paint this like I go places and get stared at.  This isn't true, most people are very kind.  One always remembers that one bad review, however.  You never want to believe the good.

I want to ride roller coasters again. I want to sit in seats and have space on either side of the armrests again.  I want to walk into any store at the mall and know they will have clothes I can buy that fit me.  I want to be a better role model for my daughter especially, and I want BOTH my kids to be proud I'm their mom.  Most of all, I want to be healthier.  Not because I am afraid to die, but because my biggest fear in the entire world is leaving my children here without me. 

So there are the motivators.  This is why I am embarking upon this journey.