Tomorrow's the big day!! Im on clear liquids right now, and the lack of calories is really getting to me today. Im not sure if it's the lack of calories, or that I walked 4 miles yesterday. Im wiped out and not motivated. I want to veg out and read or watch TV. There's a million things to do around my house, but hopefully I can rally some help in a bit. I have this OCD that after vacations or hospital stays or whatever, I have to come home to a clean house. Im weird like that. My Christmas tree is still up for goodness sake!! That never happens. :P
I got a call from the hospital and my surgery is at 1 pm. That's awesome, because I don't have to be there at 5:30 am like when I had my kids.
I might be able to post from the hospital, and I might not, so wish me luck!!
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
First Post. 2 days til surgery
I'm starting this to see later on how I felt at this point in my journey. Also, maybe keep me motivated as time goes by. It might help someone out there on the internets as well, and that would be wonderful too. I'm not sure how 'out there' this blog will be, as it mainly will just be for my own use, but we shall see.
I am having a Roux en-Y surgery in 2 days. I have wanted this for some time, but put it off because of money, time, or just plain being scared. I cant say that I'm not scared now, as a myriad of things could possibly go wrong, but I feel good with this decision. It wont be an easy fix, I KNOW I have some demons to deal with and eating habits to finally break, but I am on the right track so far.
I have been on a liquid diet for the past two weeks, which included Christmas. I'm very proud of myself for lasting. I did cheat a teeny tiny bit 3 times. I ate two slivers of sausage at my mom's house, I had half a can of tuna fish chopped up, and I had a few of my daughter's little Elsa chips. Have to say, even with those hiccups I still never went over my calories or carb allowance. So we are 100% compliant there. Some people have been very supportive, and some not so much. The person who has really helped me is my super great husband, Derek. He is the best!!
I wont go into how much I weigh now, it will become apparent in time. Let's just say I have a long road ahead. 35 pounds have been shed since August 4th (I count this day when I first reached out to my doctor for help), and that's a great start, I think!
I have been overweight since the age of 4. There was a brief time in high school when I was of 'normal' weight but it was fleeting. I pretty much had a ritual of eating one meal every other day and if I didn't lose, I didn't eat. VERY unhealthy. I am clinically morbidly obese, and have been so for more than half my life, and NEVER had one problem with diabetes, high blood pressure, hurting knees, or anything you would commonly think an obese person would have to deal with. It's like I'm meant to be fat. For years I have accepted that fate. I also have always had to do a little bit extra to lose weight. I know, calories in, calories out, but I always seemed to have to exercise just a little bit more or eat just a little bit less that other people. Again, like I was meant to be fat!! Maybe I never struck that carbohydrate balance or something. It's beyond me.
On my dad's side of the family, everything pretty much revolved around food. I identify most with that side, as most of the time spent was with them. Looking back at my relatives, a definite addictive trait is in a lot of us. So, couple this with a family that values rich yummy food, a mom that cooks really well (not that it was ever her fault-she was actually a motivator towards a healthier weight), and a dad that always likes to have sweets around when you were growing up, you have a recipe for a fat kid. Boy was I fat too! There are so many things I wanted to do when I was younger but I always held back because I was afraid of not fitting into a uniform, or people making MORE fun of me. Many things I regret to this day. Food became my comfort. I was happiest at 11 pm watching TV with a sandwich or a bowl of ice cream. I KNEW I shouldn't have been doing that, but there was some weird twisted comfort that I got from this behavior. I was on a path of self destruction and it needed to stop.
I have been made fun of for my weight by strangers, friends, and even my family all my life. People don't notice you when you're fat. You have a feeling like you don't matter. This is especially true for women. The periodic sideways glances you get are hurtful and you can just feel them judging you from afar.
I want to experience more stuff with my kids too. I want to be able to travel with them and be with them at functions and not have to worry about the other parents judging me. Now, I paint this like I go places and get stared at. This isn't true, most people are very kind. One always remembers that one bad review, however. You never want to believe the good.
I want to ride roller coasters again. I want to sit in seats and have space on either side of the armrests again. I want to walk into any store at the mall and know they will have clothes I can buy that fit me. I want to be a better role model for my daughter especially, and I want BOTH my kids to be proud I'm their mom. Most of all, I want to be healthier. Not because I am afraid to die, but because my biggest fear in the entire world is leaving my children here without me.
So there are the motivators. This is why I am embarking upon this journey.
I am having a Roux en-Y surgery in 2 days. I have wanted this for some time, but put it off because of money, time, or just plain being scared. I cant say that I'm not scared now, as a myriad of things could possibly go wrong, but I feel good with this decision. It wont be an easy fix, I KNOW I have some demons to deal with and eating habits to finally break, but I am on the right track so far.
I have been on a liquid diet for the past two weeks, which included Christmas. I'm very proud of myself for lasting. I did cheat a teeny tiny bit 3 times. I ate two slivers of sausage at my mom's house, I had half a can of tuna fish chopped up, and I had a few of my daughter's little Elsa chips. Have to say, even with those hiccups I still never went over my calories or carb allowance. So we are 100% compliant there. Some people have been very supportive, and some not so much. The person who has really helped me is my super great husband, Derek. He is the best!!
I wont go into how much I weigh now, it will become apparent in time. Let's just say I have a long road ahead. 35 pounds have been shed since August 4th (I count this day when I first reached out to my doctor for help), and that's a great start, I think!
I have been overweight since the age of 4. There was a brief time in high school when I was of 'normal' weight but it was fleeting. I pretty much had a ritual of eating one meal every other day and if I didn't lose, I didn't eat. VERY unhealthy. I am clinically morbidly obese, and have been so for more than half my life, and NEVER had one problem with diabetes, high blood pressure, hurting knees, or anything you would commonly think an obese person would have to deal with. It's like I'm meant to be fat. For years I have accepted that fate. I also have always had to do a little bit extra to lose weight. I know, calories in, calories out, but I always seemed to have to exercise just a little bit more or eat just a little bit less that other people. Again, like I was meant to be fat!! Maybe I never struck that carbohydrate balance or something. It's beyond me.
On my dad's side of the family, everything pretty much revolved around food. I identify most with that side, as most of the time spent was with them. Looking back at my relatives, a definite addictive trait is in a lot of us. So, couple this with a family that values rich yummy food, a mom that cooks really well (not that it was ever her fault-she was actually a motivator towards a healthier weight), and a dad that always likes to have sweets around when you were growing up, you have a recipe for a fat kid. Boy was I fat too! There are so many things I wanted to do when I was younger but I always held back because I was afraid of not fitting into a uniform, or people making MORE fun of me. Many things I regret to this day. Food became my comfort. I was happiest at 11 pm watching TV with a sandwich or a bowl of ice cream. I KNEW I shouldn't have been doing that, but there was some weird twisted comfort that I got from this behavior. I was on a path of self destruction and it needed to stop.
I have been made fun of for my weight by strangers, friends, and even my family all my life. People don't notice you when you're fat. You have a feeling like you don't matter. This is especially true for women. The periodic sideways glances you get are hurtful and you can just feel them judging you from afar.
I want to experience more stuff with my kids too. I want to be able to travel with them and be with them at functions and not have to worry about the other parents judging me. Now, I paint this like I go places and get stared at. This isn't true, most people are very kind. One always remembers that one bad review, however. You never want to believe the good.
I want to ride roller coasters again. I want to sit in seats and have space on either side of the armrests again. I want to walk into any store at the mall and know they will have clothes I can buy that fit me. I want to be a better role model for my daughter especially, and I want BOTH my kids to be proud I'm their mom. Most of all, I want to be healthier. Not because I am afraid to die, but because my biggest fear in the entire world is leaving my children here without me.
So there are the motivators. This is why I am embarking upon this journey.
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